Bari Braun.com

I recently performed a wedding ceremony at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens. It was where the couple first met and had their first date so the Gardens had special meaning for them.

The location was visually breathtaking and you couldn’t have asked for more perfect weather for an outdoor garden themed wedding. It wasn’t too hot or cold and not a cloud in the sky (which has been quite uncommon here in the NY/NJ area as we’ve been drenched in rains for weeks on end).

It was an intimate setting with about 40 close friends and family and all around one of the most lovely ceremonies I’ve ever performed. Here’s to the happy married couple!!!

When I first talk to a prospective client either on the phone or in person, I feel it’s important to explain to the couple (among many other things) exactly what my services encompass and, as a Celebrant, what sets me apart from other wedding officiants. So here’s my advice on questions to ask and what to look for when choosing your wedding officiant.

First, are some obvious questions
– is the officiant available on your scheduled wedding date and if you want a rehearsal, is the officiant available for the rehearsal
–will the officiant travel to your event location
– how much experience does the officiant have with the type of ceremony you are looking for
–does the officiant offer an initial consultation at no charge, or is there a fee for their time
–besides the charge for writing/ presiding over the ceremony, are there any additional fees for travel, filing the required legal paperwork, etc.
–will the officiant bring sample ceremonies to the initial consultation
–does the officiant provide a back-up in the event of an emergency, and if so, whom??
–how do you “book” the officiant – is a deposit and a signed contract required.
–will you be able to write your own vows, or use your own readings, music or rituals
–how much can you be involved with planning the ceremony rituals, reading the ceremony draft, and editing if you feel necessary

If possible, I think it’s always best to meet the officiant. There’s no substitute for a meeting in the flesh. Ask the officiant to bring his/her credentials to the meeting so you’ll know if they are legal to perform marriages.

After the consultation, ask yourself the following:
–did you feel comfortable with the person,
–did they have a nice manner and speaking voice
–did they listen to your needs and respond appropriately.

In summary, is this someone with whom you would like to work with, someone you feel confident would create a ceremony that would represent you as a couple on your wedding day? In the end, you’ll want to choose someone who will conduct your ceremony in a way that’s comfortable to you, and your partner or family.

You literally never know what the next hour could bring. I was in my front yard last Saturday morning just about done planting a hydrangea bush (I love those big gorgeous flowers), when my daughter brought out my ringing cell phone. As I took off one of my gardening gloves to answer the phone, it was a hysterical bride. Her wedding party and approximately 20 guests were at a park in Bergen County waiting for the officiant who never showed; it was now nearly an hour after the ceremony was to begin.

Somone had given her my contact information and she wanted to know if I could come to the rescue and marry them. As you can imagine, it wasn’t the best of times for me – being knee deep in dirt, no makeup, and my limp hair hanging. But they were really in a bind. Wanting to help them out, I said I would try my best to accommodate them, but one thing was for sure – - I told them I had to take a shower and change clothes and if they could change locations to a park closer to where I live to save time and give me half an hour, I’d be there. Of course, I did ask if they had their marriage license (which they did).

I’ve never moved so fast – in the shower, blow dry my hair, grab an outfit, and sorry – no time for makeup ( I was hoping my dazzling personality would hide any imperfections!!). I grabbed a “short and sweet” ceremony I did a while ago, wrote the bride and groom’s name on a “sticky” so I could replace the previous names with the new bride and groom, grabbed my daughter to come along for pictures, and off I went!!!

I hadn’t been Van Saun Park in years, since my kids were little so I really didn’t know where we should go for the ceremony. We initially met at the “pony rides” and after meeting the bride, groom, and the rest of the clan, we signed the marriage certificate and then proceeded to get in our cars where I would lead the way to find a more appropriate ceremony location than hearing little kids screeches on ponies. Driving only 30 seconds up the road, I noticed a pretty location on the left and drove into a parking lot on the other side of the road. Well, it turned out we couldn’t have had a nicer location if it was planned. There was a cobble road (that we used for the processional) leading up to a beautiful arch of gorgeous plants and flowers. It was secluded, beautiful, and just perfect!

Not being one to toot my own horn, I’m proud to say that the ceremony went off without a hitch as if it had been planned for months. The bride and groom and the parents were ecstatic, telling me I saved the day. It was a great feeling helping someone in need and knowing that they were so pleased with the results. I do hope though that I’m not setting a trend. I do like the luxury of thinking about what I want to wear with what accessories, putting on make-up, and being able to rehearse pronouncing hard sounding names. Well as they say, “you can’t have your wedding cake and eat it.”

Couples often ask me if it’s customary to have children in the ceremony and what’s too young to go down the aisle. Being a Celebrant, I believe there are no right or wrong answers. Rather, whatever brings you and the children involved a sense of belonging and happiness.
Many couples today come to their second marriages with children of their own. If that’s the case, it’s very important that they be recognized or participate in some aspect of the ceremony. Involving the children helps them transition to the new relationship they are now a part of.
Depending on their age and desire to participate, you can either have them hear their names mentioned in the ceremony or take an active role. Mentioning their names assures that they are an important part of the occasion and gives them a special status which other guests do not have.
For younger children, usually a simple task of holding the rings or bouquet is enough to accomplish a feeling of participation. For teenagers, it can be as simple as standing up with the couple, participating in group vows, or lighting a unity candle.
I always recommend that couples be sensitive to the children’s feelings. If a child is reluctant to be involved, respect their point of view and never force it. Remind them that their presence is very important to you both and that will be enough if that is all they want to do. But do remember to get a picture of all of you on this special day as it’s the beginning of a new family.
Being a mother of three young adults, I know that kids are very creative. Listen to their suggestions and you may be surprised at their ideas. And finally, remember to give each child a wedding gift to thank them for their love, support, and participation.

You wedding ceremony is all about love, family, and friends. Unfortunately, most brides and grooms all share the loss of a dear family member or friend. While the deceased obviously cannot be physically present at your special occasion, there are many ways to include them in your ceremony so they can be there in spirit and soul.

My brides and grooms often ask me if it’s appropriate to pay tribute to a parted loved one during a wedding ceremony. I say it’s perfectly suitable if that’s what’s in your heart and has special meaning for you.

I’ve included a number of different ways to remember the deceased in my ceremonies. The one I’ve done most often is the remembrance ritual. I usually include it right after the introduction. At my most recent ceremony, I included one that went something like this:

“It has been said that through others, we are somebody. Through marriage, we broaden our circle of family and friends and recall those who gave us life. It is in this spirit of remembrance that our honored couple would like to pay a special tribute to important people in their lives who have recently departed our world. [He/Groom] knows that [his mother], is with us in spirit today. [She] was [Groom’s] hero and he misses her deeply. Also recently passing was [Bride’s grandmother], whose support to [Bride] was never ending.”

Another time, a memorial candle was lit by the bride and groom. The candle was placed on a second table near the front side of the altar. A small rose was also placed on the table with a picture of the groom’s father. As the candle was lit, the groom’s sister offered a special reading on the meaning of fathers.

Another way I’ve honored a departed was to say a short prayer or ask for a short moment of silence in reverence of the departed.

However you choose to remember your special person, it’s a lovely way to pay tribute to those important people in your lives who are not longer with us.

Without a doubt, the heart and soul of a wedding ceremony is the reciting of one’s vows. After all, the vows are the promises made to your partner about how you intend to carry out your married life, long after your wedding day is over. And it sets the tone for the kind of life that you, as a couple, envision for yourselves.
The very first time I talk to a couple, one of the questions I ask them is if they intend to write their own vows. I always encourage my brides and grooms to do so, or at least to try to take a stab at it. It’s so much more personal, coming right from the heart. Of course, this is not something that is absolutely necessary and if it’s another stress builder, I always tell them not to worry – I can happily provide a sample of different wedding vows. No one needs to use any vow in its entirety. You can mix and match as you see fit, adding some of your own words and thoughts as well. I’ve put together some of my favorite vows that have been recited at the recent ceremonies I’ve officiated. For those who would like to write their own vows, but don’t know where to start, the following might give you some inspirational ideas. HAPPY WRITING AND LET IF FLOW FROM YOUR HEART AND SOUL!!!

SAMPLE 1:
I, ________, take you, _______, to be my wife/husband, my partner in life and my one true love.
I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow, and forever.
I will trust you and honor you.
I will laugh with you and cry with you.
I will love you faithfully,
Through the best and the worst,
Through the difficult and the easy.
Whatever may come I will always be there.
As I have given you my hand to hold
So I give you my life to keep.

SAMPLE 2:
I, _______, take you, _______, to be my wife/husband. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. With my earnest and complete devotion, I give you my love.

SAMPLE 3:
I, ________, take you, ________ to be my husband/wife.
I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad,
In sickness and in health.
I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

SAMPLE 4:
_________, I commit myself to be with you
In joy and adversity,
In wholeness and brokenness,
In peace and trouble,
Living with you in fidelity and love all of our days.

SAMPLE 5:
___________, I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife.
Before these witnesses, I vow to love you and care for you
As long as we both shall live.
I take you, with all your faults and strengths.
I will help you when you need help,
Turn to you when I need help.
I choose you as the person with whom I will spend the rest of my life.

SAMPLE 6:
________, I promise to love and respect you and to stand by you
To be open and honest with you
And to always work toward our mutual growth.
I promise this for the good times and the bad times for the rest of our lives together.

SAMPLE 7:
I, __________, take you __________, as my husband/wife.
I pledge to share my life openly with you,
To speak the truth to you in love.
I promise to honor and tenderly care for you,
To cherish and encourage your own fulfillment as an individual,
For the rest of my life.

I recently performed a wedding ceremony at the Pantagis Renaissance in Scotch Plains, NJ. It was lovely event – very family oriented, filled with warmth and much spiritual significance.

The bride was from the Philippines and the groom from Puerto Rico. Per Philippine tradition, family members and sometimes very close family friends take on the role of wedding “sponsors.” In addition to helping pay for the wedding, the sponsors are part of the wedding processional and walk down the aisle. It is an honor to be a sponsor. Depending on the level of importance, sponsors can take on the additional title of “principle” or “secondary” sponsor. In this particular ceremony I performed, there were seven couples (fourteen sponsors all together) who walked down the aisle. That was in addition to seven other wedding party members proceeding down after the sponsors. It was very touching and you could feel love in the air.

I performed some interesting rituals. In a Philippine wedding, it is common to have a “cord and veil” ceremony. The tying of the cord (also known as the lasso) is a unity ritual where the bride and groom are wrapped together in a cord in a figure eight. The figure eight – having no beginning and no end – symbolized the eternal bond that their two lives are becoming one forever. Next came the covering of the veil. A white veil was draped over the couple to symbolize that in marriage, providing shelter for a loved one is a basic but important purpose of marriage. As the veil was draped I recited the following “May you forever be united as one under this veil, protected and sheltered from harm’s way.” It was a touching moment.

I really enjoyed performing this ceremony. Congratulations to the bride and groom!

It is the wedding ceremony that is at the heart and soul of your special day. The ceremony is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make your declaration of love and commitment before the world (or at least your guests). It’s a rare moment when you can stand before a captive audience to express your unique relationship, why you have chosen your partner, and your visions for the future. Think of this as an honor, not to be taken lightly. Every word, gesture, ritual, poem, reading, or song counts.

But all too often choosing your vows, rituals, and symbols take back seat to the more mundane task of food, seating arrangements, attire, and flowers. And when family dynamics – complicated or not – enters the scene, the whole process of thoughtfully choosing meaningful ceremony elements can become overwhelming.

When I first meet my couples and sense the “stressors” are too high, I often advise them not to get so caught up in the moment that their search for perfection makes them crazy. Choosing center pieces of wild flowers over traditional roses or pink bridesmaid dresses over blue ones, will not set the tone for the kind of life that you as a couple envision. So don’t sweat the small stuff. If there’s any part of planning your wedding that causes you undo emotional stress, either get rid of it or delegate to a TFF (trusted family friend).

Remember why you’re doing this. Stay focused on what truly matters to you and your partner and delegate wherever possible. Why not let a trusted family friend be in charge of the more mundane planning something refer to as “detail management. You’d be surprised at how much more time you will have if someone keeps a date book, runs to pick up the invitations, or is in charge of party favors.

When planning your wedding, the most important thing you can do for yourself is to get rid of as many stress factors as possible. Remember, this is your wedding and you’ll want to remember the happiness and love of your special day for years to come. So don’t set out for perfection by trying to do it all yourself. Engage your friends and family lovingly and use them to best suit your needs.